


you make my heart beat like the rain

by princess_of_the_darkness



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Flirting, Ben Solo is a feminist, Bisexual Ben Solo, Bisexual Rey (Star Wars), Cunnilingus, F/M, Fluff, Masturbation, Porn Star Rey, Porn Watching, Smut, Social Media, Soft Ben Solo, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:54:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25637638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_of_the_darkness/pseuds/princess_of_the_darkness
Summary: He almost misses it, the very last video on page one. It saysRey SOLO SESSION. In a stupid way, that kind of feels like a sign.-Ben searches for feminist porn. He stumbles upon Rey.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 39
Kudos: 215





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from BØRNS’ [_Electric Love_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYr96YYEaZY).

Ben doesn’t exactly know what he’s looking for. Just, something different. Better. Something he hasn’t seen before.

It’s like this: he doesn’t like studio porn because there’s something so fake about it, with all the unnatural sounds and awkward dialogue. But he doesn’t like amateur porn either because- well, you never know. If they’re both willing, if they both consented to the video being published, all that.

 _Technically_ , he thinks, you don’t know that about professional porn either, but it would be so much easier to find those videos because they have names listed and sometimes even social media handles in the description, since it’s a _business_. And that’s fine, it’s totally okay that they’re paid actors and actresses, that’s not the problem here, Ben is all for voluntary sex work being a legitimate way of earning money. The problem is that Ben has a hard time believing it. Any of it.

They all sigh and grunt like they’re having fun in their skimpy bikinis, but the smiles feel hollow and weird. The women don’t feel like real people to him and the men, - god, the men. They’re just walking dicks, faceless and without personalities. Almost like the cookie-cutter heroes in the adventure novels he used to read as a teen, perfect for self-insertion of any kind, devoid of anything even remotely original. And that’s fine, if you’re just there to watch women getting fucked. Most of the time though, he’s looking for the whole experience, proper mutual enjoyment, actual bliss on both their faces. Pretty hard when you can barely see what the guy even looks like.

Gay porn is a little better in that regard, but more often than not, he’s in the mood to watch women, too. But lesbian porn is the worst of all, he hasn’t found a single video yet that doesn’t feel like a total lie. It’s not fun. And watching porn is _supposed to be_ fun and easy and just something to take your mind off, right?

The thing is, Ben isn’t really attracted to most of the actresses. He’s just not that into big breasts, especially not when they’re firm and unmoving, full of silicone. Some guys might like that, he doesn’t. And videos that star women with small breasts are- they’re so gross. They’re always called something like _exxxtra small teen_ or _petite fuckdoll_ or _barely legal tiny slut_ , and nope. That just ruins any kind of fun he could have had. He doesn’t enjoy being made to feel like a creep just for having a stupid preference. He’s not into children, for god’s sake.

And so, when he types **_feminist porn natural women_** into the google search bar, it’s just to see what happens. He kind of doesn’t expect to find anything, if he’s being honest. But lo and behold, to his surprise, the first couple of results are blog articles listing the best sites for feminist porn. That’s a good start, right?

So far he’s only ever watched free porn, nothing has kept his interest long enough to be worth some kind of subscription, but access to most of these recommended sites seems to cost money in some way or other. Which is fine, it’s probably better to ensure people are properly compensated, not just through weird ads about _hot singles in your area_. This feels a little bit like when he decided to stop buying products containing palm oil. He’s being _ethical_ now, even in his consumption of adult content. At least he’s planning to be.

Ben reads through the list and ends up a little stumped. He’s not going to pay for subscriptions to six different sites. That’s too much money, even for him. Maybe he should just pick one at random and see whether or not he likes it. He bookmarks the article in case he doesn’t.

The main page of **SunshineVids** is bright. It fits the name, but it’s not at all what Ben had expected from a porn site. The first thing he sees is a stylized drawing of a woman… masturbating? Inspecting her genitals? It’s a little hard to tell, but the image looks nice, colorful, interesting. Underneath, there’s a little introduction text that he carefully reads through.

_Hi there, welcome to SunshineVids!_

_We’re an independent adult film company that aims to provide you with all your wants and needs._

**_We’re explicitly feminist, anti-racist, anti-ableist, anti body-shaming, pro-queer, pro-trans and very much pro sex positivity._ ** _(No forms of discrimination will be tolerated. Comments that go against our policies will be deleted and we reserve the right to cancel memberships to our service in case discriminatory or degrading language continues to be used.)_

_We produce high quality videos starring our own talented and dedicated performers, featuring countless scenarios and fantasies for all your kinky desires._

_Click here_ _to view our subscription models  
Click here for more information about our company  
Click here to see a list of our actors  
Click here for a sneak peek at our most recent videos and photo shoots_

Ben clicks the top link. Best to get the money question out of the way first.

****

**_7-day FREE TRIAL with any of our subscription models_ **

_Monthly subscription:_ _$19.99 every 30 days_ _**become a member** _

_Quarterly subscription:_ _$49.99 every 90 days_ **_ become a member _ **

_Annual subscription:_ _$ 199.99 every 360 days_ **_ become a member _ **

_All models include access to all videos, photos and comment sections._

That doesn’t sound too bad, he thinks. 200 bucks a year is a lot of money, but it could turn out to be a pretty good deal if the videos are as good as promised.

Without so much as a second thought, Ben clicks the sign up button. After filling out a form and providing them with his credit card information, he’s ready to start watching.

His dick isn’t really all that interested yet, so he slips his hand into his boxers to give it a few tugs, slow and lazy, while he scrolls through the latest videos.

There are a couple of _BDSM man on man_ ones that look intriguing because the two actors look _so good_ together. Ben thinks about it for a moment but decides to look for something featuring a woman instead. 

He almost misses it, the very last video on page one. It says _Rey SOLO SESSION._ In a stupid way, that kind of feels like a sign.

He knows he’s made the right choice when the video starts. Rey is gorgeous. Possibly one of the most beautiful people Ben has seen lately. Or ever.

She grins at whoever’s behind the camera, sits down on the big bed. It’s the only thing in the frame, dark blue sheets, full of pillows with flowery embroideries. A strange setting for a porno but kind of nice at the same time. Homely. She’s fully dressed, a denim skirt that reaches mid-thigh and a bright red crop top that’s held up by thin straps.

Ben swallows. There’s no way she’s wearing a bra underneath it. He’s seen his fair share of naked women, both in real life and on the internet, but seeing _her_ like this is different somehow. She’s magnetic. He can’t look away.

“Hi.” She leans back on her arms and bites her lip, looking straight at the camera.

“A little birdy told me that my videos with Finn have been _very popular_ lately,” she pretends to whisper, and _o_ _h_ , is that a British accent? That’s interesting. “So he’s getting a new series with Poe now, and I thought I’d try out a little session on my own.” She throws an exaggerated wink in the direction of the camera.

Ben can’t help but smile. It’s contagious how excited she seems to be. Like she’s honestly having fun.

Rey reaches into her pony tail to pull out the tie holding it up, shakes out her hair with a cheesy wiggle of her eyebrows. It sounds like the cameraman (camerawoman?) is trying to stifle a laugh and she shoots him a glare.

“Okay, maybe this isn’t the most serious of videos. Sorry.” She looks a little sheepish, brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. “But this is my first time doing this alone and I’m gonna need some time to get into the groove of things. If that’s not your thing, then this probably isn’t the video for you. We’ve got lots of other great masturbation videos of all shapes, sizes and genders.”

She nods to herself, waits a second. Then she takes a deep breath and slips out of her skirt. Woah. Her panties are black, non-descript, looking great. But Ben supposes everything would look good on her.

“There.” She smiles. “That’s out of the way.” She laughs a little, nervous but not uncomfortable. Runs her hand through her hair.

“Oh,” she says, like she just remembered something. “You’re also gonna be a little disappointed if you’re expecting toys today. It’s really only me and these babies.” She holds up her right hand and wiggles her fingers.

“Should I take off my top?” she asks, playing with the straps, and Ben doesn’t know if she’s talking to the audience or the person behind the camera. It doesn’t matter, he decides, when she grabs the hem and pulls it over her head.

Her body is glorious. Just _perfect_.

Ben watches as she slides her hands over her breasts, caresses her nipples with a sigh. She says, “You always gotta start with the nipples, you know,” and her breathing speeds up.

“I thought-,” she moves her hands further and further down until she’s stroking the length of her thighs, “I’d do a little masturbation tutorial for you. There’s so much misinformation about the female orgasm out there, so I’m doing all my fellow vulva owners a favor.”

She stops in the middle of sliding her hands into her panties. “Please tell me if you have any issues with my language, though. As always, the comment section is open to any discussion of how we talk about our bodies in relation to our gender identities.” She looks at the camera with a little smile.

Then, without warning, she pulls down her panties. And she’s- well. Unshaved.

Ben’s dick has been twitching ever since he started watching her video, but now it’s on its way to being hard. He pulls down his boxers. Rey’s full bush of hair is the best thing he’s seen in a long time. It looks so right, draws his eyes exactly where they need to go, accentuates her pussy like a gold frame around a priceless painting. _Fuck._

She lets her hands linger on the outside, twirls her fingers through the dark curls. Playful, teasing.

“I’m not gonna tell anyone what to do with their bodies, but I thought you should know that leaving your pubic hair alone is not less hygienic than shaving it off. Actually,” she grins, and _pushes one of her fingers inside_ , no preamble, nothing. She sighs, her eyes flutter and fall shut. “Your hair is like a natural barrier protecting your valuables from bacteria.”

Just then, the camera zooms in a little closer on her pussy, and she spreads her legs wider and wider. She pulls out her finger and lets it circle her folds instead. “I know I just barged in there, but it’s better to start slowly and make the sensation build up.”

That’s a good idea. Slowly, Ben begins to stroke along his dick. He’s already leaking pre-come all over himself, so he doesn’t even have to reach over to his bedside table for the bottle of lube.

Rey moves on to sliding her index finger around her clitoris and moans, quiet and beautiful. There’s something so unashamed about it. So _real_.

“Most people with vulvas can come from clitoral stimulation alone, but not-,” she interrupts herself with a groan when she presses down directly, “but not solely from penetration.” She uses her other hand to part her folds and rub along her entrance.

“Personally though, I prefer a bit of both.” With that she brings her fingers to her mouth and coats them with her spit before simply plunging them into her pussy.

Oh shit. Ben brings his thumb up to the tip of his dick, presses out a strained kind of groan through his teeth at the same time that Rey sighs on screen.

“I’m just moving my fingers around,” she informs the camera, a little breathless, “seeing what feels good and staying there for a second or two.”

She seems to have picked up speed, he can hear the wet squelching noises of her fingers sliding in and out of herself. Ben speeds up, too.

He’s not sure how she’s still able to form coherent sentences. Her face is flushed, her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth hangs open. She’s so so so _so_ pretty like this. He doesn’t think he’s going to last much longer, and she doesn’t look like she will, either.

“Don’t waste your time trying to desperately find the g-spot, folks,” she whispers and Ben can hear it, can tell how good she feels, how much better she’s going to feel in a matter of seconds, how alive she must be in that moment. “Just listen to what your body tells you to do.” Her movements are frantic now, her moans shaky and cut-off. “And don’t be afraid to be a bit rough.”

He follows her advice and starts fucking his own fist in earnest, desperate and needy for release. It doesn’t take long before he comes on his sheets with a strangled cry.

When he looks back at the video, there’s a blissed-out look on Rey’s face and she’s pulling out her fingers. She shoots a quick glance at the camera, sticks out her tongue, and licks them clean. Just like that. She grins when she’s done.

“Well, that was fun.”

She pats the bedsheets a few times before holding up her hair tie with a triumphant grin. Pulling her hair up into a pony tail seems to calm her down a bit, her breathing more regular now.

“Obviously, this wasn’t a very comprehensive tutorial or anything,” she mumbles as she gets dressed again, “just a nice little treat, but we are going to put links in the video description for some actual resources.”

She stops and stares at a spot above the camera for a second, then starts nodding enthusiastically. “ _Yes_ , and some articles discussing the g-spot myth and how it can actually prevent people’s pleasure when taken too seriously. Good thinking.”

The camera fully zooms out again and Rey crosses her legs on the bed.

“Okay, I guess this is goodbye then. Uh, thanks for tuning in? I hope you enjoyed things being a little different this time. If you’re new here, you can find me and the rest of us on Twitter and Instagram, though one of those is a lot tamer than the other.” She grins, almost shy.

“Also, we always love hearing your thoughts, so click that comment button and go to town.” She throws in another wink and the screen cuts to black.

Phew. It’s like Ben can finally breathe again, now that he’s not staring at Rey’s face and body anymore. That was- a lot. But good, _so good_. One of the best orgasms he’s had in weeks.

He’s almost tempted to look at the comment section, but then he stops himself from scrolling down. He doesn’t think he wants to know what other people are saying about Rey. In a weird way, he wants to keep her to himself in his head, free from other people’s influence.

Instead, he opens the Twitter homepage and searches for **_sunshinevids rey_**. He finds her right away. Her handle is **@reyofsunshine** , and according to her bio, she’s not only _in_ the videos, she’s also the fucking founder of the company. That’s pretty cool, he thinks.

Her tweets are all about women’s pleasure, the right kinds of sex toys, how to initiate one night stands without being creepy, how to ask for consent without ruining the sexy atmosphere.

It’s not that Ben would have ever thought that porn actresses couldn’t be brainy, on the contrary really, but he’s still impressed. Honestly.

She’s also been retweeting a lot of articles about pressure to shave and oppressive beauty standards, and it’s fascinating, in a really simple and unobtrusive way. God, Rey is amazing.

After Ben stalks her posts up until finding tweets from back in the day of 2016, he decides to just follow her and the official **@sunshinevidscom** as well. Twitter wants him to look at the accounts **@poesunshinevids** , **@sunshinefinigan** , and **@rosiesunshine** , so when he realizes they’re the hot people from the video thumbnails he saw, he ends up following all of them, too.

After that’s done, he inspects the stained sheets and decides he’s too tired to take care of them now. He really just wants to sleep.

* * *

When Ben wakes up the next morning, he feels suspiciously well-rested. It’s usually only after a good fuck that he can sleep like that, but it seems like masturbating to Rey does the trick, too. Better keep that in mind.

He reaches over, still half asleep, unlocks his phone, and nearly has a heart attack.

 **[** 06:14 **@kylophotography:** Rey Johnson <3 **@reyofsunshine** _follows you_ **]**

 **[** 06:16 **@kylophotography:** _DM from_ Rey Johnson <3 **@reyofsunshine]**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: I'll write the rest tomorrow or the day after  
> also me: does not finish this
> 
> yeah idk, I hope I can write the rest tomorrow? I have an oral exam on Tuesday so who knows (not me, I know nothing)
> 
> sadly, there is no smut in this chapter but it will come back in the last one
> 
> (please tell me if there are any typos I am so tired and very sorry if I've missed any!!)

Ben tries to ignore his phone all morning. It works well at first, up until it doesn’t.

He leaves it on the kitchen table, face down, while he’s making breakfast. He forgot to go grocery shopping yesterday, so it’s _plain toast with butter_ day, paired with an apple that’s almost gone bad. Not his proudest meal, but a meal nonetheless. At least he has some of his favorite fancy organic coffee left or else he’d just give up and head out to a café for a real breakfast.

He tries to focus on reading the news on his tablet (suddenly, he’s very glad he never got around to installing Twitter), but he can’t get through a single sentence without distracting himself again. His eyes just keep wandering over, it’s like there’s a magnet and he can’t help being pulled in. Defenseless.

Maybe he should just risk a look. Really. There’s no guarantee that this is about what he thinks it’s about. Actually, it’s kind of a stretch to assume she _knows_. Nobody knows. He’s fine.

But then why would she message him? Is it a thing they do, welcome new subscribers? He doesn’t like the uneasy feeling settling deep inside his stomach. It’s probably good that he didn’t have a more elaborate breakfast or he’d be throwing it up right this moment.

He takes a deep breath pours himself a glass of water to calm down.

This is ridiculous, he tells himself. It’s just a fucking Twitter DM, not a death sentence, even if it did turn out that she knows. He’ll just explain himself. Not like he hasn’t had to do it before.

After a second glass of water and a tiny piece of fair-trade chocolate he treats himself to from his secret snack stash, he thinks he’s ready to face it. Her.

Rey Johnson <3  
**@reyofsunshine**

06:16

_hi !!! i hope you don’t find this weird or anything… but i’ve been following you on insta for ages (didn’t know you had a twitter lol) and i just wanted to say i’m a huge fan of your work!  
a friend took me to one of your shows a while ago dude your stuff is just PHENOMENAL, even better in person!! what a coincidence! anyway, i hope you’re having a great day and i’m looking forward to your next insta posts ;)_

_\- rey_

_ps: there will be a new video up around 8 tonight, in case you’re interested_

Oh.

That’s- yeah.

Okay.

Not at all what Ben had expected. Damn.

He wants to text back, tell her he’s flattered, try to say something charming in response, but instead, he checks her Instagram first.

She wasn’t kidding when she said it’s _tamer_ than Twitter, because there’s absolutely no hint to the fact that she does porn except for the name of the company and links to the official Instagram and Twitter in her bio. Other than that, she just. Posts pictures. Of the stuff she does.

They’re really nice, Ben thinks. Maybe a little random, but in a charming way. There’s a recent post recommending books by women of color she’s read during the past months. Half-heartedly, he decides to take a screenshot of the description. He might check one of them out, who knows. He’s almost done with the next collection, so he should have time for reading books soon. In theory.

The one before that is a video of her with one of the guys. They’re cooking a vegan lasagna together, comfortable, domestic. Ben can’t remember the last time he’s done anything like that with friends. Most days he’s not even sure if he has friends. The thing with Hux is- _complicated_. It’s hard to know if they’re friends or just two people so lonely that they can’t find anyone else to hang out with.

And hanging out with Hux usually means getting drunk in a bar, which isn’t _not_ fun, especially when Phasma joins them from time to time, but it’s not the same as “quality time” or whatever other people do when they care about each other. Maybe he should invite them over for dinner at his place some time. He doesn’t even know if they’d say yes, that’s the level of friendship Ben is maintaining here.

He’s just about to close her profile when he spots something. In the background of one of her pictures, there’s a park that looks familiar. Very familiar.

On closer inspection, he’s sure that he knows that park, the pink bench and the weird formation of trees and the little hot-dog stand on the left, that’s _his park_. He runs there twice a week, heads over sometimes to take a walk at night when he needs a quiet place to think.

That means- wait.

He opens Twitter and reads her message again. Yup. He’s really stupid.

She said she’d been to one of his shows. Of course she lives in Alderaan.

And that’s- he doesn’t know how to feel about that, really. It means he could have seen her before, taken the same subway, passed by her sitting on that bench. It means he could run into her the next time he leaves his apartment. That’s such a weird thought.

Uncomfortable almost.

So far, this _thing_ , whatever it is, has been very one-sided.

After a third glass of water and a trip to the bathroom, he’s ready to respond. 

Rey Johnson <3  
**@reyofsunshine**

08:39

_Thank you for reaching out! (It’s not weird for me as long as it’s not weird for you.) This is definitely an… interesting coincidence. I’m happy to hear you like my art, that’s very kind of you. If it didn’t make me sound like a huge creep, I’d probably say something stupid like that I like your art, too. What I want to say, though, is that your Twitter is very insightful, it’s given me a lot to think about. I hope you’re having a good day as well!_

_-Ben_

_dude !!_

_there’s nothing creepy about admitting you like watching my videos, lol_

_If you say so. Kind of feels like it, though._

_yeah i do say so_

_we make these videos so that people watch & enjoy them _

_also you literally just called it art , so_

_that’s really flattering_

_Ok, good._

_Then let me say I do enjoy your art._

_Even though I’ve only seen one video so far._

_then you should wait for tonight, it’s going to be a really good one ;)_

_or well_

_depends on what you’re into, actually_

_Are you in it?_

_yes._

_it’s like, all about me_

_Then I’ll make sure to give it a watch._

_feel free to tell me what you think ;)_

_ok maybe i’m being a little forward sorry_

_it’s just_

_i’m in the middle of a 3 hour train ride and i am dying of boredom here_

_tell me to shut up if you don’t want to talk to me_

_It’s fine. I don’t have anything better to do, either._

_wow that sounds comforting_

_very smooth_

_no groundbreaking photos to take?_

_also “Ben”?_

_Kylo Ren is just a pseudonym?? i feel played_

_I’m very bad at texting._

_Sorry._

_You can also tell me to shut up and I’ll leave you alone because I can’t promise talking to me will be very entertaining._

_i’m sure that’s not true_

_idk if you realise this but i legit love your photography_

_you’re an icon_

_Thank you?_

_you’re welcome_

_i’m just really happy i get a chance to talk to you !!_

_Oh!_

_There’s a small little exhibition downtown on the 6 th that has a few pieces from the “black-and-white alderaan” series, in case you’re interested in seeing some of my stuff again?_

_I can send you the details, the tickets are 5 bucks or something, it’s really really small._

_at Resistance??_

_Yes._

_You know it?_

_oh yeah_

_a friend used to work there, we’re all super close with the owner_

_she’s almost like a surrogate mum_

_(the same friend who took me to your show at First Order, he loves you too)_

_*your work_

_can’t let you get too cocky, soz_

_That’s kind of funny._

_what do you mean?_

_Well._

_She’s actually my mother._

_what ??_

_wait_

_for real?_

_Yep._

_This is even more of a weird coincidence than I thought._

_you can say that again_

_(if you send me the same sentence again, I’ll stop talking to you)_

_almost like the universe wanted us to meet, huh?_

_wait is this why you have a pseudonym?_

_so people don’t connect you to your mum?_

_Not really._

_I mean the pseudonym thing; I don’t know about the universe._

_My real last name is Solo, so there’s no connection to her anyway._

_I guess to my dad maybe?_

_But he’s so underground, even Leia doesn’t show his work._

_oh wow semicolons???_

_(really putting in the effort, i’m impressed)_

_not even surprised that your entire family does art lol_

_why Kylo Ren then?_

_Honestly?_

_I’m not super comfortable telling you._

_At least not right now._

_Maybe once we get to know each other better._

_oh of course_

_sorry if i was pushy about it_

_didn’t want to make you feel weird_

_You didn’t, it’s all good._

_I’m just not sure if you want to hear that kind of story right now._

_Or if I want to tell it._

_you don’t have to, it’s all good on my part too !_

_i kinda like that you’re just assuming we’ll keep talking_

_What?_

_“once we get to know each other better”_

_Oh._

_I didn’t mean it like that._

_no?_

_Maybe. I don’t know._

_ok_

_We’ve only been talking for an hour._

_yeah i know_

_but it’s fun right?_

_It is._

_It’s pretty nice._

_pretty nice?_

_i expected more_

_I told you I’m not good at this._

_But you make it easy to talk to you._

_i’m glad_

_this feels like something that should be awkward_

_but it’s not_

_or only a little bit_

_right?_

_Right._

_either you’re just a man of very few words_

_or you’re not really in the mood to talk to me_

_The first._

_I like talking to you._

_I promise._

_good to know_

_If I didn’t, I would have stopped responding._

_I’m a big boy._

_:o_

_was that a joke??_

_im proud_

_It would be even more of a joke if you knew me._

_why_

_I’m 6’3_

_*whistling noise*_

_you are a big boy indeed_

_it’s funny how there aren’t any photos of you out there_

_you being a famous photographer and all_

_Famous feels like a little bit of a stretch._

_I’m mildly recognizable._

_whatever helps you sleep at night man_

_mr 600k instagram followers_

_Touché?_

_Is that what you want to hear?_

_yeah_

_now I’m happy_

_Good._

_I would be very worried otherwise._

_ah yes of course_

_you’re just such a good person_

_You’ve got me all figured out._

_Feels unfair almost._

_oh?  
are you saying you want to know things about me?_

_Maybe._

_hit me with your questions then_

_Oh god._

_Uh…_

_What’s your favorite movie?_

_…_

_seriously?_

_wow_

_you were not kidding_

_you should be lucky i have a good answer_

_Dirty Dancing (:_

_Huh._

_Didn’t see that coming._

_Aren’t all rom-coms inherently sexist?_

_????_

_no?_

_even if dirty dancing was a sexist film (which it very much is not!) i could still like it_

_but it’s a story of a young woman (albeit white, heterosexual, upper-class) coming into her own_

_her sexual awakening_

_Hm._

_I think I see what you mean._

_What about “nobody puts Baby in a corner”?_

_That’s a little… you know._

_ok so_

_johnny says that_

_but is he the one who has to stand up for her in that scene?_

_no, she stands up for herself!_

_maybe him saying it like that can be criticised_

_but in terms of the story it’s mirroring the earlier scene where she admits she was with him all night and takes a stand for him and their relationship_

_and now he does the same_

_also_

_except for when they’re dancing, johnny never has any power over her_

_he’s coming into his own through her as well_

_it’s very beautiful_

_But isn’t the dancing the most important part of the movie?_

_dude_

_this really isn’t the hill you want to die on,,_

_i could talk about this film for hours_

_I can tell._

_I have to admit, though…._

_I’ve seen it twice, maybe._

_And I don’t remember either times very well._

_(Was very distracted staring at Patrick Swayze’s arms and his chest.)_

_i’ll forgive you_

_that’s a good reason_

_but you should watch it again_

_i think it’s on netflix_

_You know what?_

_what?_

_I think I will go watch it now._

_good_

_Yeah?_

_yeah_

_don’t talk to me before you’re done_

14:43

_<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpM2_6F05cg> _

_that’s what I’m talking about, babey_

_oh sorry, that’s something i say a lot, won’t call you that again_

_You can call me baby all you want._

_:O_

_am i seeing right???_

_Mr. Solo, are you flirting with me?_

_Is this what this has become???_

_Oh, so you do know how to capitalize sentences._

_Good to know._

_You’re not very nice, Mr. Solo._

_I don’t know your last name, so we can’t do that._

_You mean you can’t do that._

_I can call you Mr. Solo all I want._

_So you’re Francis and I’m Johnny?_

_… what?_

_You have more power over me than I have over you?_

_oh._

_sure_

_you know uh_

_i actually have to go_

_i’m sorry_

_bye !_

That doesn’t sound good. That sounds bad. Like Ben did something wrong bad. Like Ben fucked shit up like he always does bad. Not good at all.

He realizes he never asked her if she got to where she was going, but that was hours ago anyway. This is about him and not knowing how to be chill. But Rey just makes him want to forget about all that. He hasn’t even known her for a day. Less than 24 hours. That’s nothing. And yet it doesn’t feel like that at all.

Ben leaves his phone on his sofa before going to bed. If she texts back, he’ll see it in the morning. That has to be enough.

It’s harder to fall asleep tonight than it usually is. He stays still, evens his breath, relaxes his muscles and nothing happens for hours. His brain just won’t shut up.

He sighs, defeated. Sits up in bed and reaches for his laptop.

He can’t help being curious. It’s fine. She told him to watch it, it’s not invasive. Right? Right.

The video is titled _Poe, Rey, Rose THREESOME._ The thumbnail is nothing but a black rectangle. He swallows. Clicks the little button to start.

“Welcome,” a voice says, off-camera.

There’s the same bed from the other video, but the sheets are bright pink this time. Ben can’t wait to see how they’ll look against Rey’s skin.

A guy walks into the frame and plops down on the bed. Poe. He recognizes him from Twitter. He grins into the camera.

“We have a special little treat for our friend Rey tonight.” He leans forward, drops down to a whisper, “Because _it’s her_ _birthday_.”

He licks his lip and uses one hand to push back his hair. It’s like Poe is glowing. He oozes charm.

“Actually, it’s not her birthday. Not until this video comes out. But she has plans for her birthday, so we thought we’d give her our present early.” He winks as if he’s letting the audience in on a secret.

And in a way, he is. It’s Rey’s birthday. Or it _was_ , anyway. t must be around four in the morning by now.

Her birthday.

That she didn’t mention. Maybe if he’d asked her where she was going. Or what her plans for the day were. Or what the new video was going to be like. Maybe she would have said something. Or maybe not.

They don’t know each other at all, he realizes. Again. He hadn’t really wanted to face it before.

He shuts his laptop with a grunt. The sound echoes in his ears after his head hits the pillow. It’s cold and uncomfortable. He’s hot and sweaty underneath his blanket. He hates it.

He’s so _so_ tired.

He hopes he’ll wake up to another message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little sorry for how angsty the end is..... oops


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this took a couple of days!! 
> 
> ~~I did end up studying for my exam and then I had a lil depressive episode even though I passed with a decent grade but I was not in the mood for writing anything but now it's all good lol~~
> 
> I hope the length and the wonderful balance of angst, fluff and (uwu) smut is going to make up for the wait! (also: warnings in the end notes)

Ben ends up watching the video the next day. He’s glad he does.

Rey was right, it really is all about her. Poe and Rose spend close to an hour eating her out, fingering her, kissing every bit of her skin. It’s slow, careful, sensual in a way that he’s never seen before.

And Rey looks so good when she’s being spoiled.

She laughs when Rose tickles her belly, loud and beautiful. Giggles when Poe sucks bruises into her throat. Sighs whenever there’s a mouth on her nipple or a finger in her pussy.

It’s nice how gentle they are. Unhurried, just focused on making each other feel good. Somewhere in the middle, Rose and Poe make out on top of Rey. It’s sloppy, full of emotions. They grin at each other, faces flushed, mouths swollen.

He almost feels bad watching them be this intimate with each other. He’s aware that this is their job, they’ve decided to make this public, but he can’t help feeling like an intruder. It’s a little like being a third wheel with a couple that’s properly in love. A mix of jealousy and yearning rises in his throat.

He comes once, then watches the video one more time and comes again. 

The thing is, sex has never really felt that way for him. It’s always about quick pleasure, loud and rough, mechanical almost. Over before it really starts to be fun. And that’s fine, it’s always been fine like this. No one has ever complained to him.

He’s considerate, he always tries to make sure that his partners enjoy it just as much as he does. It always feels a little like reparation. Only no one knows what he’s making amends for.

Afterwards, he texts Rey to tell her he liked it. She responds with a _thank you !! ;)_ but tells him that she’s busy and will get back to him in the evening.

And then she doesn’t.

Ben waits two days before he starts typing out messages that he never sends. He decides that he won’t be pushy about this. Not with Rey. If she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore, then he has to respect that.

It hurts that she didn’t just tell him that, but Ben isn’t stupid. He knows far too well that it’s not always easy for women to say no to guys. He knows all about the guys out there who can’t take the hint and he doesn’t want to be one of them, not after-

Oh.

He feels a little stupid when he realizes.

He’s told her his name. His real full name.

There’s a chance that there are more Ben Solos out there than just him, but-

She’s stopped talking to him after he did. She _must have_ googled him.

And he all he wants is a chance to explain everything, apologize, make her understand. But he feels like that might just make it worse. He doesn’t want to bother her if she’s decided she doesn’t want to hear his story.

He gets it, really. It’s just disappointing.

* * *

“Benjamin!”

He turns his head and greets his mother with a tight-lipped smile.

As a child, he used to love being at the gallery, but now it has turned into a place of awkwardness. 

Leia leaves the group of hipsters she’s been just talking to and walks over to him. She leans in to give him a hug, and he lets her. He’s not in the mood for a fight, not the right time or the right place. He’s just here to see his pictures.

“How are you?” she says in that voice of hers.

He hates it. Hates her for seeing right through him. Because, honestly, he’s not fine and _she knows_. She always knows. She’d probably say something stupid about how it’s her job as his mother to know when he’s feeling like shit, and maybe it is, but he just wants to wallow in silence. Just for once.

“I’m fine,” he lies and watches her frown.

She turns around to look at the hipster group. Looks back at him.

“You know, why don’t you come home with me tonight?” He stares at her. Tries to find a way to say no. “He’s not home. It’s just you and me. Maybe we can talk about whatever it is that’s going on with you.”

He sighs. It’s always worse when she’s actually trying. Harder to be mad at her. He doesn’t like having mixed feelings. It’s so much nicer to just be able to despise her and Han in peace.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I’ll tell you in a few hours.”

He doesn’t wait for her reaction. Just walks away.

He hasn’t been to Resistance in ages. Leia had wanted him to come while the artworks were being hung up, but he was busy, so he doesn’t know what it’s going to look like. Or where his own pictures are. Leia was the one who decided which of them would fit in with the rest of the exhibition. He hadn’t felt like arguing with her.

Not even when she settled on one of his worst pieces. If he’s being honest, it’s his least favorite thing he’s ever created. Worse even than the macaroni art that’s still up somewhere in his parents’ creepy old house.

It’s nothing but a lot of black and white, swirling around in an empty street. Boring. And the worst part is that critics really liked it, praised the loneliness it encompasses, the numbness it expresses. He’d almost deleted it from his memory card about a million times before he put out the collection.

“That’s very striking.”

Ben turns around.

“ _Rey_?”

She smiles, keeps her eyes trained on the picture.

“You’re here,” he says it like he can’t believe it. Really, he can’t.

She turns to him. Nods.

“You lied, you know.” He frowns. “The tickets were 10 dollars, actually.” There’s something funny in her voice that he can’t place. He stares at her. Has no idea what to say.

She laughs, a little awkward. “I’m sorry.” She looks at the ground.

Ben shakes his head, takes a step closer to her. “No no no, it’s okay.”

She looks up at his face. She’s so nervous, he realizes.

“Can we-” she rubs a hand over her face, “can we go somewhere and _talk_?”

“Of course.” He nods before looking around. “Do you want to look at the rest of the art first?”

“No.” She starts walking. “I’ll just come back later.”

It only takes a second for him to follow.

* * *

“Can I have some of your fries?”

Rey grins and pushes the basket to his side of the table.

“Thanks,” he says as he dips one into the vegan mayo she ordered and pushes it into his mouth.

She takes a sip from her coke. “So.”

“So.”

“I really am sorry. For ghosting you.”

Ben hums and eats another fry. “Like I said, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” He looks up at her. She’s frowning.

“When we texted, that was-,” she swallows and looks down at her hands. “That was the anniversary of my parents’ death.”

Well. That’s definitely not where he thought this was going. He says, “I’m sorry”, knowing how stupid it must sound.

Rey shrugs. Doesn’t meet his eyes.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t cry and now- well. I don’t know.” Her voice sounds like it’s going to break. She takes a deep breath. “Anyway, I was going through some stuff that day. It’s been ten years now and I _miss them_. Like crazy. And then two of my best friends just got together, and I’m really lonely and I-“

She shakes her head. “You don’t need to know any of this. Let’s just say, I wasn’t doing well, and I didn’t want to bother you with this shit. We don’t even know each other. At all. But I think I _want_ to get to know you, for whatever reason.”

“I want to get to know you, too,” he says, serious. She looks up at him and smiles. It’s tentative. He smiles back. 

“I feel really bad, but I didn’t know how to say anything without unloading all this stuff on you, and then suddenly, I had already not responded in _days_ , you know. And you hadn’t texted me either and I didn’t know if maybe you just didn’t care, but then I remembered the gallery thing and I saw you tonight, and-“

“Wait,” Ben says. “How did you even know it was me?”

“Oh.” She laughs. “Uh, I just asked Leia to tell me.”

“You asked my mother?” He can’t believe this. “What did you tell her?”

Rey reaches for one of the fries and pops it into her mouth. At least she has the decency to look sheepish. “Just said I was a big fan of the elusive Kylo Ren and that I heard he was going to be present tonight. She pointed me in the right direction all on her own.” She grins.

He stares at her for a few seconds. “Great.” He sighs. Rey shoots him a questioning look.

“It’s just, she’ll definitely know something is up. She’s going to call me a million times tomorrow to ask how we know each other.”

She grins. “I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m really not.”

He smiles, too. It’s fine. It’s a nuisance, not an actual problem. Better to talk about Rey than about why he doesn’t want to come home when he knows his dad is going to be there.

“What are going to say?” she asks, more serious.

He searches her face for some kind of answer. He’s not sure what she wants to hear. “That we met on Twitter and that I like you. And I think you like me. And that we would like to get to know each other.” He pauses, watches her. “Is that okay?”

Rey nods, almost to herself. “That’s actually great, yeah.” She looks up at him, looks into his eyes and-

 _Holy shit_. Okay. She’s just. She just looks like that. With her eyes red from a few stray tears, she’s still this beautiful.

“I’m sorry, too,” he says, quickly. It feels good. “I didn’t send any more messages because I didn’t want to push it. And there’s a thing, um. A thing that I thought you might have found out. I thought that was the reason you ghosted me.”

“A thing?” She leans closer over the table. She looks confused.

He nods. Runs one hand through his hair. He can do this. It will be fine. She’s not going to run away.

“It’s, uh, it’s also the reason for why I’m Kylo Ren when I’m taking photos. So. Two birds with one stone, I guess.” He tries to laugh, but it just sounds awkward. Rey nods with a little smile. He takes it as her encouraging him to go on.

He takes a deep breath. Here it goes.

“I used to be an incel.”

It’s almost comical, the way Rey’s face reacts. Her eyes go wide, her eyebrows jump up, her mouth falls open.

“Oh shit.”

Ben nods. “Oh shit.”

He doesn’t say anything else. Tries to give Rey some space to process it.

“Okay,” she says after a while. “I’m just going to assume that you left all that behind, right?” She looks worried and he’s quick to nod, frantic almost. “Can I ask some questions about that? Is that something you’re comfortable with?”

She sounds so careful. Like she’s crossing his boundaries, about to make a mistake here. When he’s the one who’s in the middle of fucking this up, this fragile, budding thing between them.

“Yes, sure. Whatever you want to know.”

“Okay.” She searches his face, then she reaches over the table for her fry basket. It’s like she’s taking it back from him, reclaiming it as her own. “Were you a neo-Nazi?”

Oh.

That’s- it’s fair, really. To be expected almost.

“No,” he says, as serious as he can.

“I wasn’t really- I _pretended_ I wasn’t aware of that aspect, the whole alt-right part of the communities. Just kind of ignored it.” He sighs. “I was there because I was angry, like- _so_ angry. All the time. Extremely angry, at the world and at myself, and it felt very good to be able to just be angry at women. For not sleeping with me, which actually just meant not putting up with my shit. And that was very fair, in hindsight. I was such an asshole.” He stops, searches for the right words. “It was just great to have all these other people who would agree with every stupid thing I said, you know.”

Rey frowns, pushes two fries into her mouth at once. He holds his breath while she chews, unable to take his eyes off her face. It’s not the right thought for this moment, but she looks cute when she eats.

“I can’t really say I know what you mean. But it sounds like you’ve, you know, done a lot of reflection.” She sounds detached. Numb almost.

“I did, I really did. There, uh, there was this reporter who went undercover in one of the forums I was running and she- well, she did this huge story on us. Me in particular. And she published a lot of messages and posts that were technically public but really shouldn’t have been, and-”

“And you did all that stuff under your own name?” Rey says, and he is really grateful for the interruption.

He nods. “I was such an idiot.” Rey looks at his face for a second before she starts laughing. It’s small, barely more than a grin, but it looks good. Feels good to know she doesn’t hate him He grins back. “God, I really was. And then there was all this shit out there about me, and my parents found out, and everyone at art school knew, and well. I just kind of took a break from everything. Did some soul-searching or whatever. Went to therapy. Channelled my anger into my art, all that.”

Rey nods, looks down at her hands. “That’s good. Yeah. I’m glad.”

“And, I’ve really changed,” he rushes to say. “Completely. As in, I’m a feminist. I try to be as good as I can. And look, I’m not saying this to make myself look heroic or whatever, but I donate to Planned Parenthood and women’s shelters and I’m educating myself all the time, just to- I don’t know. Make up for it. For what I used to say and used to believe about the world.”

She doesn’t respond. Eats another fry. He sighs.

“It’s really shitty, I know that. I’m sorry if I’ve ruined- _this_.” She shrugs. It’s hard to tell what she’s thinking.

“No. You didn’t ruin anything. I really appreciate that you’re being honest, it’s just a little,” she stops herself, runs her hand over her mouth, “I don’t really know what to say.”

He nods. “No shit.”

“No shit,” she agrees. Sighs. Pauses. Looks around the restaurant. “Listen, do you want any more of these?” She points to her fries. Ben shakes his head.

“Then how about we get out of here?”

* * *

“So.”

“So?”

“Where exactly are we going?”

Rey laughs.

It’s slowly getting dark, but the air is still warm from the heat of the day. It’s bad timing. If it were chillier, Ben could offer her his jacket. Be a gentleman. Woo her in a heartbeat. Provided she’s into that kind of thing.

“I know a nice park, just around the corner.” She seems to think about it for a second. “Actually, there’s a chance there might be a lot of rats there this late, but. We’ll find a good bench.”

“I know that park,” Ben laughs. “It’s where I go running.”

“Oh, really? What’s with all the coincidences here? I spend all my time in that park. My friends and I have, like, a weekly picnic date there. I’m all about that park life.”

“I know,” he says. Like an idiot. Rey stops dead in her tracks.

“ _What_?” She turns to him, her face confused. Wow. That was a really stupid thing to say.

“I saw it on your Instagram, and I recognized the park.” Rey nods, slowly. “I’m not a stalker,” he adds. “I promise.”

“Okay.” She starts walking again. He hurries to keep up with her. “I’m just going to trust you on that, but you’re on thin ice, Kylo Ren.” He can’t see her face, but he can hear the smile in her voice.

“Thanks,” he mumbles as they enter through the gate.

Rey picks out a bench that she promises will be rat-free. Ben’s pretty sure he can hear something shuffling on the ground behind them, but it’s not the time to bring that up. He waits for her to say something instead.

“Remember when we had that very deep and engaging discussion about _Dirty Dancing_?” she asks after they’ve been sitting in silence for a while.

Ben nods. “Mhm. What about it?”

Rey turns her head to him. “You didn’t tell me your favorite film. Just thought I’d return the question.”

“I’m pretty sure I remember you making fun of me for asking that, but okay _.”_ He laughs, pauses for dramatic effect. “ _Fight Club_.”

There’s silence after that. Seconds go by without a word. He’s not even sure if he can hear her breathe. 

“Are you serious?” Rey whispers.

He turns to her, leans in until their faces are only inches apart, opens his mouth.

“ _No_.”

Rey hits him on the chest as he starts to laugh. “I hate you.” She tries to sound like she means it, but she’s laughing too.

“Sorry,” he offers. “It’s a little embarrassing, but, uh. My favorite movie is _Atlantis_.”

“As in, the Disney one?”

“Yup.”

“Wow.”

“Shut up, don’t laugh.”

“I’m sorry.” He knows she’s not. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s good, but. Your favorite?”

He shrugs. “It just has it all. Love, drama, linguistics. You name it. And I think I never really got over my crush on Milo.” He’s kidding. Mostly. There’s no movie that can get him to cry like _Atlantis_.

“I see that,” Rey says after a while. “It’s the glasses, right?”

Ben laughs. “Probably.” Slowly, he puts his hand on the bench in the space between them. Reaching out. Carefully. “I guess I like people who can talk. Be passionate about something, you know?”

“Hm.”

He hears Rey move, then he feels her pinky touching his. It’s nice. Feels grounding.

“We should watch it some time.”

“Yeah,” he says. Softly.

“Maybe this is a little forward, but uh-,” Rey stops, inches her hand closer. “Can I kiss you?”

He doesn’t have to think about it. His voice cracks when he says, “God yes.”

Rey’s other hand slides up to his face, rests on his cheek. Her thumb starts moving up and down, gentle.

“This is going to be a little awkward in the dark,” she whispers before leaning in.

She’s right. It _is_ awkward, but only a little. Mostly, it’s just nice. Her lips, moving against his, soft and light. She smells like coconut, he realizes. It’s funny because he hates the taste, always has, but he loves the smell. Loves how she smells next to him.

He takes the hand that’s half on top of his and laces their fingers together. His other hand moves to her hair, fists itself inside her ponytail. He pulls, just a little, just to see what would happen, and Rey moans into his mouth.

She pulls away a second later and, _god_ , Ben wishes it wasn’t so dark. He wants to see her face, wants to see what she looks like. Not just on video, but in real life. Right here right now. What he’s doing to her.

“Would you want to come back to my place?” She sounds out of breath. Ben swallows.

In any other situation, he’d say yes in a heartbeat. But this, Rey, it’s. Not something he wants to rush.

“Are you sure?” He squeezes her hand. She squeezes back.

“It’s just for a cup of tea,” she says, and gets up from the bench. He lets her drag him up with her. “My intentions are entirely pure, I promise. I just want to be able to see you, properly.” She starts walking. “Also, I’m pretty sure I heard some rats.”

* * *

Rey’s apartment isn’t very far from the park.

They hold hands the whole way over, even when Ben feels his hand begin to sweat. He can’t remember the last time he’s actually done this. Held someone’s hand in public. Maybe he’s never done it before. It’s nice to think of Rey being his first in some ways at least.

Once they’re inside her door, Rey presses him against the wall. She doesn’t do anything, just looks at his face with a shine in her eyes. It was a good idea to move this inside. She’s so fucking pretty.

“Come here,” he says, slides his hands to her hips. She grins and leans against his chest.

“Why are you so tall?” She laughs before pulling his head down to kiss him.

This time it’s her pulling on his hair and it’s never really done anything to him before, but with her- he can’t help but make a stupid little “hngg” noise against her lips.

Rey doesn’t let go, just pulls harder as she moves her mouth along his jaw, up to his ears. He’s a little ticklish when it comes to his throat, so he ends up squirming underneath her. She laughs into his skin.

Her hand grabs his again and she pulls him over into her living room. She only lets go of him to pull her dress over her head. Ben follows suit, throws his shirt onto a chair, slides his jeans down his hips.

Rey’s mouth is back on his in just a matter of seconds. He walks her over to her couch, wait until she drops down with a soft little sound.

She looks up at him, expectantly. Waiting for his next move. He settles his hands on her shoulders, thumbs over her bra straps. “Can I eat you out?” he says softly.

It’s not actually a question, he’s just telling her what he’d like to do. From the look of her frantic nodding, she wants it, too. A second later, she’s pulling down her panties and spreading her legs for him.

He kneels down in front of her and just _looks_. She’s so lovely up close. A real sight for sore eyes.

He brings his finger to her mouth and she opens up beautifully. Sucks on them, hard. Noisily. He can feel his dick twitch in his briefs. She’s dribbling spit over his fingers like it’s nothing. They’re completely wet when he pulls them out.

“Good girl,” he says on a whim. Rey grins.

She leans forward, slides one foot towards his thighs. “Are you going to be a good boy for me, too?” She tilts her head like she’s waiting for an answer, and it’s. God, it’s so hot.

Ben nods, quickly. Then he pushes his fingers into her pussy.

It’s glorious, to feel her on the inside. He slides them in and out, in and out. Brings his mouth forward to start licking around her clit while keeping up the pace.

Above him, she sighs, and it’s all the confirmation he needs to start sucking in earnest. To pull his fingers out again to lap at her entrance with his tongue. To move one hand into his briefs and slide her juices over his dick.

He feels her fist her hand in his hair again, but this time she doesn’t pull. Instead, she pushes his face deeper between her legs. It’s just short of being uncomfortable, but he knows she’d let go of him the second he sounds like he wants to stop.

She makes him feel safe, he realizes.

Maybe it’s not the right moment for that, not while he’s eating her out, not after they’ve met only hours ago. But it’s the truth.

He keeps working on making her feel good, bringing out the most wonderful whimpers and groans in her. Worshiping her.

She’s close to coming when she pulls him off again.

“Come here,” she says, her voice not much more than a whisper.

He follows her hand, brings his own to her neck, and kisses her. It’s deep and filthy, wet, loud. Beautiful.

“This is a little quick for a first date, right?” he pants into her mouth.

She laughs and pulls off again, looks into his eyes. “If you think that was a date, you’ve got another thing coming.”

He can’t wait to see what she has in store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (mentions of incels, just in case that rubs you the wrong way) 
> 
> There’s a teeny tiny chance I’ll write an epilogue with them talking to Leia and/or the rest of the porn gang. Maybe inspiration strikes in the near future, but I won’t promise anything… this was really fun to write though and maybe I’d like to revisit this world some time :) hope y’all like the conclusion !!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this :3  
> Tell me what you think !! **kudos and comments are what sustains me**


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